.... Hmm.... my name is Jennifer Sheils Baliog Hollanes. and I have no idea what to write right now.

ARRRRGGGHHH!!!! Why are you so SHALLOW? Can't you see that person is just using you? You act as if you're blind or are you just pretending to be? If there was nothing special you see in me from the start then why did you have to do all of those things? Yes, maybe I just made the whole thing up. What a fool I must have been to actually believe that you'd feel the same way. I would be happy if you just took care of yourself but seeing you being constantly blinded by how our society defines "beauty". Why are you so obsessed with outer beauty?  Can't you see how amazing you are? Why do you act as if you're not? Why are you so obsessed with pleasing everybody? Stop being defined by what other people think of you. Why do you value the opinion of people you barely know and people who barely know who you really are? 

Why can't you see what you're doing to me? Why do you act as if there is nothing wrong?

weeeeeee~ I just ate rockyroad and doubledutch ice cream with my family. My dad isn't here though. He's in Davao right now, business matters :) I hope he's doing fine there. So let's rewind, shall we? Hmm.. so we went to unitop to buy some hawaaiian attire for our reunion this May 7 and I bought a few clothes as well. Then Me, my sister(gwendy), and my mom went to Gmall and went window shopping a bit then ate at Mandarin :) I had Mandarin Spare Ribs and Japanese Siomai. Then we went to the grocery section and bought a few veggies and ICE CREAM!!! 

hehehe I have this habit of staying up late this summer. gotta change it. and I'm gaining weight T_T oh dear... I need to lose all these extra pounds.  

I watched a Bollywood film yesterday entitled "I Hate LUV Storys" and I find it very beautiful. Maybe because most of the time I could actually relate to it. Just watch it LOL. 


I know God is writing my love story and it's going to be great. <3

PS Tomorrow we might be going to Maria Cristina Falls, Mimbalot Falls, Tinago Falls :) I hope we can wake up early. 

Wow... I can't believe that out of the 15 pages I've written in my journal, there is only one page without his name on it. Upon reading my journal again, I realize my mistakes, my own stupidity but still there were a lot of good memories in it. Maybe a lot of people do like sticking in the past because even if certain people may change or people we once loved and cared for change, the memories will remain the same. We can't erase the times we cried but still we should be thankful because we can't erase all the happy moments as well. 

It all happened...

It may never happen again today nor tomorrow but I feel happiness yet there is that little pain inside at the same time. I'm sad that those memories happened to fast and are now over yet I'm happy that those memories happened.

Never regret anything that once made you smile. I will never regret meeting those people. 

Here at San Juan, Baroy, Lanao del Norte!!! The hometown of my mom :)
Had loads of fun with my cousins. We arrived yesterday afternoon and we played frisbee and enjoyed chatting and bonding with my cousins and relatives. My aunt and uncle just came home from the US so there was a party that night with lots of food (My diet T_T) Then there was this group in the neighborhood called "The Cottermen" :D they sing really good and they also have a member who accompanies their singing with the organ. They sang old songs with the perfect blending of their voices.

This morning, I woke up at 6am and then me and my cousins went to the plaza and played frisbee again then we went hiking for a bit then came back to our ancestral home near the sea. :) I love these moments.

Today, I went to TAYTAY Cold Spring with my family and relatives. We had a lot of fun. I spent most of the time bonding with ate gg and our cousins. Hmmm... summer has been great.

Here are some things that I did from April 1-present:

1. Went jogging with one of my bestfriends Djam (Djamaekha Dee Jaylo) at Pryce and we talked a lot haha.

2. Spent almost two weeks locked inside the house facing the computer and just making vector arts and surfing the net. Well I have been practicing Vexel Arts and Vector Arts as well. So far I'm having a lot of fun with it. A lot of my friends are asking me to make them some vector arts out of their own pictures but I haven't finished making them yet >.<

3. April 14 we went to CDO in advance for the YFC-International Leaders Conference where I joined 6,000 other YFCs in worshiping the Lord and listening to talks and participating in many activities. I met Raine here, a fellow YFC, she rocks at playing instruments especially the bass. Spent most of the time with Raine and my buddy Ate LT. At April 16 ate Candy finally arrived from Manila and she bought me strawberries! My first time to eat Strawberries ever :) and she bought me this very cute Stitch hat :D I love it! :D This was truly an amazing experience. I also made new friends from Cavite and from Canada. 

4. April 19 Together with the delegates from Canada, we went to TIMOGA (De La Mar) and then went to MARIA CRISTINA FALLS my first time to go here too! I have lived in Iligan for almost 15 years and in Linamon for almost two years now and yet this is the first time for me to visit the Majestic Maria Cristina Falls! It was amazing there was also a lot of animals there like peacocks, monkeys, birds, crocodiles and ostriches. After that we went to the YFC center in Iligan City where we worshiped God through songs and dances then we had activites about friendship and teamwork. Later that day, the Canadian delegates shared their experiences here in Iligan City, the Philippines, and the ILC. Then we ate dinner at this barbecue house.  

I have been experiencing this kind of pain for more than 5 times now and yet I just don't know how to learn. Maybe I should have never hoped in the first place. Maybe I just made the whole thing up in my head. Well, we all make mistakes so I guess all that's left for me is to move on and continue being grateful for what I have and not being depressed for what I don't have. 

Lessons learned:
1. Don't hope too much 
2. Focus on other things (academics)
3. Be content with what the present gives you
4. Some things are just way beyond your reach
5. It's okay to fall as long as you stand up each time
6. Continue praying
7. Foster a stronger relationship with God above anyone else (at least He never hurts you even if you turn your back on Him, He is still willing to love you unconditionally)
8. The world is unfair so don't expect things to be perfect
9. Sometimes the perfect moment needs a cold splash of REALITY
10. People are SHALLOW 

I will start listing my lessons learned starting now so that I'll have pointers...
Thanks to the people who still made me feel worthy to be loved: My FAMILY and FRIENDS. I love you all. Most of all, thanks be to God for never forsaking me even in times of great sorrow and depression. I owe my life to You. 

Ice Cream Cold

It’s that type of cold you get when there’s no one else around, when you know that you’re all alone with no place to go.
Like getting out of bed to find the house empty and colder than you left it the night before. 
But that’s not the type of cold I’m feeling right now, it’s that warm cold that comes from holding vanilla ice cream while sitting next to him.
Like pins and needle but with hot and cold, my hands freeze but the rest of me is boiling over, especially when he lets me share his chocolate Sunday. 
He does this; take me out for ice cream and a walk, whenever I feel out of the loop; a little blue ice sickle stuck in the bad type of cold. 
I always feel warm around him; it’s like if Pluto were to break orbit and crash toward the sun. 
The normal orbit is the daily grind and when I get too close to him I just forget all of that, he pulls me towards himself. 
And my orbit has been getting closer and closer to him and I can’t pull myself away. 
I really don’t want to either.
If all of the planets were to align themselves right now I’d probably crash into Jupiter. 
Sitting under the oak tree, laughing and trying not to let our melting cones drip on ourselves, or just flicking it at each other, he gets a call and we quiet down enough so he can answer with a semi-strait face.
“Hey?” 
A pause and then another grin races over his face, he’s so beautiful.
“Okay sounds great”
Another pause and then three little words with a name I don’t recognize breaks my world in two.
We laugh and he takes me home, I feel worse than when I left, and the house feels so much colder.
Shot back out into the asteroid belt and denounced from even the title planet, I sit and wonder why he even took me out in the first place. 
I got as far as Jupiter, and then the ice cream cold barrier was frozen and shattered.

My friend shared this song to me and now I can't stop listening to it. Have you ever liked someone so much that you can relate to almost all songs with these type of situations? You often think of yourself as the one being referred to in the song or even as if the song directly reflects your feelings or things you want to say to that person. 

Songs we often listen to contain some of the repressed feelings we lock away in our hearts. We try expressing how we feel by singing the song (since everybody will just think we like the melody) but deep inside we are actually saying exactly how we feel. It is all a matter of listening. If you want to find out what your friends or siblings are thinking or feeling as of the moment then go snooping around their playlist. If their listening to Second Hand Serenade, then they are probably feeling pretty emotional. If they listen to pop songs by Taylor Swift, it may be that they are very much in love or in love with someone they can't have. 

Music is one of the greatest ways to express oneself and a great way to find out how others are feeling. We sometimes just communicate with words but not all our frustrations or emotions can be embedded in it. That's where music comes in. Through music, people won't be overly suspicious yet at the same time you are putting all your emotions out in the open. All these feelings will only be visible to those who take the time to really LISTEN.